You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
