I just threw up on my dentist
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
How external is "for external use only"?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
