Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
