ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
