Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he shaved USA in his pubs
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
