My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
