i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
worst night to have a conscience
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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