but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
