we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
