4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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