I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
