This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
