Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
