my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
