We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
