Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
