I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
