What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
