Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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