he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
