I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
