Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
