Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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