i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
