is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I will die if light touches me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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