Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
