remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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