The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
