Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
