I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
