The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
he had hair everywhere except his balls
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
