I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
