Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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