dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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