I didn't shave. On purpose
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
