If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Vodka?
Forever.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I AM VODKA MAN
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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