as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
