you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
