Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
