I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
