can we get nightvision for the apartment?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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