i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
