i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
