good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
