I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
