I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
