May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
