My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
