I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
