I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
