In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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