Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
